“A teenie weenie hamburgini,” I said. “What did you get?”

“A fat bastard.”

§

While driving in the car she said, “Look at that cow in the field, I think it’s dead.”

“It’s weird how the other cows are standing around the dead cow. I wonder what they’re doing,” I said.

“Maybe they’re holding a vigil?” she said.

“Or maybe it’s a moo-logy.”

§

While at work he said, “You should have slipped in.”

“Slipped into what?” I asked, trying to stay awake.

“No you should have slipped in,” he said.

“Why would I slip in? People can see me moving around.”

“What? No, slipped in. You should have slipped in. S-L-E-P-T slipped.”

Did she just say pashing?¹ I didn’t know she was a lesbian. Funny that.

*slap*

No, she said passion!

What the devil! Even after four years my brain is still confused every week.

Here are groups of words in New Zealand that are impossible to distinguish for the American ear:

• bull, ball and bowl
• hair, air and ear
• pen, pin and pan

For people from Chicago the difference is obvious. The sounds of the vowels are distinct. But some Kiwis skip their vowels, which leaves me befuddled.

Can you think of other words that sound similar? For example in Australia “six” and “sex” are too close to call. Think of the despair of the weary traveler in Australia’s hostels!

_{1. An Australian term for heavy duty kissing between teenagers.}

On my way to Crazy Horse¹ someone threw a water balloon out of a window and it nearly hit me. It landed next to my right leg.

I looked up at the sky and shook my fist! They were out there somewhere! It was probably the same person who hit the back of my head with a fork.

I thought I escaped embarrassment. But during dinner, Vicky said, “You should go salsa dancing.”

“I don’t salsa dance,” I said.

“Why not? They always need more men.”

“The last time salsa danced I kicked the toenail off my date.”

“Ouch!”

“I had to make a tourniquet out of a napkin for her bleeding toe,” I said.

“Right,” Vicky said. “I always forget that story!”

Salsa dancing confuses me because there’s too much stepping. One wrong move and bang! She loses a toenail.

If I tried again, I would make her wear steel-toed boots. Not very sexy, but safe.

_{1. Crazy Horse is an excellent steak house in Wellington. I had filet mignon. In New Zealand “filet” is pronounced “fill it.”}

I was confused. A bikkie?

Bikkie is an abbreviation for “biscuit” (a biscuit is a cookie, which was very tasty by the way!).

In New Zealand English it’s okay to end words with an “ie.” See if you know what these words (Kiwi slang) might be:

1. gummie
2. hottie
3. rellie
4. scarfie
5. sunnie
6. wellie
7. brekkie
8. kornie
9. mozzie
10. sickie
11. chrissie
12. sammie
13. brickie
14. wharfie
15. barbie (not the doll)
16. pressie¹
17. cuzzie³
18. chippie³
19. pommie³
20. tinnie⁶
21. kiddie
22. sparkie¹¹
23. reckie¹⁴
24. flattie¹⁸
25. possie²¹

Maybe they’re trying to put the “kiw-ie” in common words? Feel free to add to this list…

“Sure, how many lanes and how many people?”

“One lane will do, and somewhere between four and six people,” I said.

“We have a lane available at 6:40, what’s your name?”

“Jeff,” I said.

“What?”

“My name’s Jeff.”

“What, I’m sorry?”

“You know, Jeffrey, but just Jeff.”

“…”

“Oh you mean Jif! I didn’t understand you.”

“Yes. Jif. My name is Jif.”

Damn you New Zealand, and your softened vowels! I am not a peanut butter, a type of lemon juice, a cleaning product or a programming language. To explain, here is an excerpt from Wikipedia:

A vowel shift has occurred in New Zealand English. Front vowels, with one exception, are pronounced higher in the mouth than in England English. For example:

• pan sounds like pen
• pen sounds like pin
• pin sounds like pun
• pair sounds like peer

They forgot to include that deck sounds like dick, which always makes me chuckle.

Being called Jif reminds me of packed lunches at school. It’s not so bad, I guess.

So, if you were born in India, the United Kingdom, South Africa, Canada, Australia, Ireland or New Zealand, remember I say words like aluminum and zucchini whereas you say aluminium and courgette³. Now, the first verb:

to feed    
verb,  fed, feed·ing, feeds

Note, this is a verb. It can be used as a noun (like chicken feed), but first and foremost, it is a verb. For example, I want to feed the baby. I need to feed the cows. Should we feed the fish? Yet somewhere, somehow, some Kiwi butchered this verb and said:

Are you hungry? Let’s have a feed.

How irritating. But, it is listed as a noun in the American Heritage Dictionary (you’re lucky this time). Now, the second verb:

to sleep   
verb, slept, sleep·ing

Again, this is a verb. Note the infinitive. For example, I want to sleep. The dog is sleeping. Yet somewhere, somehow, some Kiwi swallowed this verb and a day or two later (give or take) shat this:

I’m going to have a sleep.

Why! Dear God! Why would anyone say this? What’s even worse, is that they enjoy the sound this makes as it hits the water in the toilet! How vulgar! Someone, somewhere, please explain this to me! Even Google failed to offer me an explanation. I don’t know why this bothers me so much.

Maybe I need a new hobby.

<sub>1. This idea was hard to admit.
2. For example, Leonardo da Vinci and Alexander Hamilton were bastards. Even Einstein fathered an illegitimate child.
3. Courgette is terribly French, wouldn’t you say?</sub>