While waiting for my hamburger she asked me, “What did you get?”
“A teenie weenie hamburgini,” I said. “What did you get?”
“A fat bastard.”
§
While driving in the car she said, “Look at that cow in the field, I think it’s dead.”
“It’s weird how the other cows are standing around the dead cow. I wonder what they’re doing,” I said.
“Maybe they’re holding a vigil?” she said.
“Or maybe it’s a moo-logy.”
§
While at work he said, “You should have slipped in.”
“Slipped into what?” I asked, trying to stay awake.
“No you should have slipped in,” he said.
“Why would I slip in? People can see me moving around.”
“What? No, slipped in. You should have slipped in. S-L-E-P-T slipped.”
“I introduced her to a life full of pashing.”
Did she just say pashing?1 I didn’t know she was a lesbian. Funny that.
*slap*
No, she said passion!
What the devil! Even after four years my brain is still confused every week.
Here are groups of words in New Zealand that are impossible to distinguish for the American ear:
- bull, ball and bowl
- hair, air and ear
- pen, pin and pan
For people from Chicago the difference is obvious. The sounds of the vowels are distinct. But some Kiwis skip their vowels, which leaves me befuddled.
Can you think of other words that sound similar? For example in Australia “six” and “sex” are too close to call. Think of the despair of the weary traveler in Australia’s hostels!
1. An Australian term for heavy duty kissing between teenagers.
Last night I met Vicky, Neil and Anouk for dinner.
On my way to Crazy Horse1 someone threw a water balloon out of a window and it nearly hit me. It landed next to my right leg.
I looked up at the sky and shook my fist! They were out there somewhere! It was probably the same person who hit the back of my head with a fork.
I thought I escaped embarrassment. But during dinner, Vicky said, “You should go salsa dancing.”
“I don’t salsa dance,” I said.
“Why not? They always need more men.”
“The last time salsa danced I kicked the toenail off my date.”
“Ouch!”
“I had to make a tourniquet out of a napkin for her bleeding toe,” I said.
“Right,” Vicky said. “I always forget that story!”
Salsa dancing confuses me because there’s too much stepping. One wrong move and bang! She loses a toenail.
If I tried again, I would make her wear steel-toed boots. Not very sexy, but safe.
1. Crazy Horse is an excellent steak house in Wellington. I had filet mignon. In New Zealand “filet” is pronounced “fill it.”
Today Catherine said, “I brought you a bikkie today!”
I was confused. A bikkie?
Bikkie is an abbreviation for “biscuit” (a biscuit is a cookie, which was very tasty by the way!).
In New Zealand English it’s okay to end words with an “ie.” See if you know what these words (Kiwi slang) might be:
- gummie
- hottie
- rellie
- scarfie
- sunnie
- wellie
- brekkie
- kornie
- mozzie
- sickie
- chrissie
- sammie
- brickie
- wharfie
- barbie (not the doll)
- pressie1
- cuzzie3
- chippie3
- pommie3
- tinnie6
- kiddie
- sparkie11
- reckie14
- flattie18
- possie21
Maybe they’re trying to put the “kiw-ie” in common words? Feel free to add to this list…
This week I made a reservation for a bowling lane. “Hi, I’d like to make a reservation,” I said.
“Sure, how many lanes and how many people?”
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