“Marketers are full of shit.”

“No they’re not. Salesmen are full of shit. Marketers let you know where your shit will smell the best.”

§

Whenever I see the word forbidden, I think in French. Il est interdit de fumer ici! It is forbidden to smoke here! It’s like when I see or hear the word augment, I think of breast implants and Nip/Tuck. Some mental associations are forged for a lifetime.

§

This year, the earth is nature’s bitch. First the BP oil spill, then the Chile miners were entombed for months. A volcano erupted in Indonesia killing over 100 people, and now another mine in New Zealand collapsed.

On a smaller scale, this week a tourist drowned on a dolphin encounter. To explain the death, the article said, “the woman inhaled a large amount of water while swimming.” Yes, that’s how someone usually drowns.

But why did she inhale water? Were our mammalian friends a little frisky? I hope they aren’t to blame, because I heard the dolphin encounter in Kaikoura is magical, like unicorns-barfing-rainbows magical.

A few years ago my sister, brother-in-law and I went whale watching in Kaikoura. According to Wikipedia, “the sperm whale watching [in Kaikoura] is perhaps the best and most developed in the world.” They call it whale watching, but it’s more like whack-a-whale. By the time the scouts see a whale and raise their mallets, it begins to dive.

Naturally as the window to see a whale is so short, finding it early is crucial to a successful whale watching business. It’s quite serious. Consequently they have enough surveillance equipment to find Osama bin Laden. The helicopters spend hours searching for water spouts. I can’t imagine what the whales are thinking.

§

In other useless news, I bought a Kindle, and I love it for these reasons:

• when I buy a book, I can begin reading it immediately
• digital books are cheaper. Books in a Wellington bookstore cost around $30, whereas Kindle books are around $10
• it can hold hundreds of books, so I can carry my library with me
• I can search through my books
• it remembers the last page I read for each book
• it has an inline dictionary, so I can immediately see a definition for an unfamiliar word, like dromedary
• I can increase the font size so I don’t need reading glasses

If you’re thinking about buying the Kindle, do it. It’s worth the money. Once you do, you’ll realize that holding a book open with two hands is a burden.

I’ll miss books, after all I am a print designer and I like ink and paper and typography and dust jackets. Owning a Kindle makes me think that paper books will eventually be a novelty.

“Do you want a separate bag for the washing powder?”

“No thanks.”

“What about a separate bag for your meat?”

“No that’s okay.”

She takes the wine bottle, scans it and puts it in a paper bag.

“Am I going to be charged for that?”

“What, the wine bag?”

“Yes.”

“It depends if it’s in a separate bag. Do you want it in a separate bag?”

“No thank you.”

She scans the milk. She looks at the bag of groceries. She looks at me.

“No. One bag. Please just one bag.”

“I don’t think it’s going to fit?”

“Oh it will fit. Make it fit. Pile it on top.”

§

Some local grocery stores have started charging for plastic bags. What a guy does to save a nickel!

If they were brown paper bags like in America I wouldn’t mind.

Fascinating!¹ After seeing this I wanted to know how New Zealand compared to the United States. For example, how would the same salary be taxed in Illinois and how would those taxes be spent?

Based on the United States federal budget of 2008² and the net pay calculator for the state of Illinois during the 2008 tax year, here’s the American tax statement:³

Let’s compare any amount over $500 between America and New Zealand:

So what sticks out? America: social security, defense, unemployment, debt and war. New Zealand: transport, social development, health, education and defense.

That’s a cynical and dangerous look at the tax breakdowns, but even so, the War on Terror would proportionately receive almost twice as much tax as the Ministry of Defence.⁵

And what’s that? Interest on National Debt?

Is New Zealand even in debt?

Surprisingly, I would pay more tax in Illinois than in New Zealand (over $2,000 more). And Americans don’t even have the same benefits as Kiwis, like public health care or financial support for accidental injuries. Plus, I don’t need to file a tax return in New Zealand (which is a service I would pay for, and apparently do). Why does the IRD receive so much money?

Which makes me wonder, if you could allocate your tax dollars to specific departments, would you? For example if you don’t want to finance “proactive war,” would you give that money to your favorite department, like the National Aeronautics & Space Administration?⁶

Decades ago this wouldn’t have been possible (logistical nightmare) but this type of government seems feasible today.

Although, it scares me to think about the nutters who would give their tax to the Department of Defense.

But it could be a way to clearly see where the people want their money spent.

<sub>1. This year I started tracking my personal finances. I concluded after two months I am an alcoholic, and if I didn’t drink my wages I would be a millionaire.
2. The budgets from 1996 to 2009 are available online. View the budgets here.
3. The calculated proportions of the budget does not distinguish between income tax, payroll taxes, corporate tax, excise tax, customs, estate and gift taxes. It’s all lumped together, so the figures are at best estimates of how the government spends income tax.
4. Illinois state tax is an additional 3 percent, totalling $2039.16. This brings the total taxed to 29.51%.
5. Spelling defense with a “c,” blasphemy!
6. I did go to space camp, after all.</sub>

I hate this keyboard on the iPhone. It makes me feel like a texting newbie.

It sucks. I suck at text messaging.

Will someone at Apple please replace the QWERTY keyboard and with a normal cellphone keypad with predictive texting:

The QWERTY keyboard was such a bad move, and here’s why:

Meet the typewriter (if you haven’t seen one, this is the keyboard’s mother, who gave birth to QWERTY). The next sentence is important, because it’s bold: The typewriter was designed for ten fingers.

Look at the picture again. Do you see the woman holding the typewriter in one hand and typing with the other hand? Of course not!

Why would Apple try to change the way an entire generation text messages, anyways? For example in Japan half the top selling books are written on mobile phones. Let me ask you a question, which side of this keypad would you prefer to use if you want to text message?¹

The left side of course! There’s less room for error.²

I wonder how many people refused to buy the iPhone because the keys are too small for their fingers. Would they have more customers if they made the buttons bigger?

Boo on you, Apple. But I still love my iPhone anyways.

_{1. The right side is futile, especially when you want to use two thumbs. Just give up and use your index finger, sadist.}

_{2. A tactile response is so important when using a full keyboard. Users are twice as slow when using an iPhone largely because they can’t feel if they’re pushing the right letter.}

“Hey! You!”

I turned around and saw a red faced man wearing a bright blue vest, which identified him as library staff. He looked like Michael Moore because of his glasses and the fat belly, but he sounded twangy.

“Who gave you permission to take photos?” He barked.

“Oh. Do I need permission?” I asked.

“Yes in fact you do, you need my permission before you take photos inside the library, and you haven’t asked me, so you shouldn’t be taking photos.”

I was shocked into silence. The conversation went on for a bit, and it ended badly.

“Well next time you want to take photos you need permission,” he said.

“Don’t worry, next time I’ll ask for sure!”

“There won’t be a next time.”

“Oh.”

§

As I walked out of the building he followed me to make sure of something. I don’t know what.

I still can’t believe a librarian yelled at me! Now I have to avoid the library until I recover my ‘I can do anything because I’m free’ ignorance.

I only wanted a picture of the library so I remember what it looks like.

The same roll of film costs $2.69 in America.

Kiwis pay so much for products and I don’t know why.

So this week I’m indebted to Keith, who arrived from Texas with a full bag of film for me! Hopefully by the time I run out someone else can traffic film from the good ‘ol U.S.A. (I promise I won’t call you a mule, in fact, I’ll shower you with presents)

Here’s another photo for kicks. I haven’t been in this slingshot yet, anyone keen?

Not much, sad to say, but enough to keep me going. I sold my Nikon D80 which was a relief. Because the price of imported goods in NZ is high, I made a large profit with the sale. I decided to treat myself to a Lomo, and last week it arrived.

Here’s a sample from my first roll:

_{I look so thin, someone, anyone, bake me cookies}

The camera has a color splash flash attachment, so the color in my portrait is accurate (as far as the negative is concerned) because of the cyan splash. I’m happier with the Lomo’s results, even after the first roll.

I sold my D80 is because the quality of the photos was poor and without feeling. I found myself in Photoshop trying to fix everything and I would rather spend time taking pictures.

The only drawback of shooting film is the extra cost, but I think it’s worth it. Digital photography isn’t much of a hobby for me.

“I am,” I said. “I just paint with my left hand.”

“How interesting. Which hand do you use to shoot a gun?”

My face wrinkled. “I’m from the city. I’ve never held a gun.”

“What? What kind of man will you be if you’ve never shot a gun?”

◊

She was from Alabama. One day after she hung up the phone I said, “When you talk on the phone I can tell you’re from the South.”

She gave me a look that would corrode metal. “I speak slowly when I talk to my family,” she said.

“Right,” I said. “What’s your family like?”

“They wouldn’t care for you, not unless you can dig a hole.”

“Dig a hole? How hard can that be?”

“Why would you think it’s easy?” I walked into the yard and she handed me a shovel. I dug. It was pathetic.

◊

Digging holes, firing guns, was I missing something? I thought so, which is why leaving America was easy. To think, a few thousand years ago if someone left their family or birthplace, they would be committing suicide. But today thanks to reality t.v. and chicken nuggets, I’m still alive!

So in New Zealand, I’ve dug a few holes and shot a few bullets¹. But who cares! The most important lesson I’ve learned is about territorial vanity. I thought it was American, but it’s not. It’s everywhere.

Everyday I hear people say, “I’m from here – and you’re not. Here is better than there, because if there were better than here, I wouldn’t be here, but there.^{2 3}”

Every country in the world has its charm. They each have advantages and disadvantages, but unfortunately both America and New Zealand share the thought, “Stop complaining. If you don’t like it here, leave.”

This way of thinking is wrong to me.⁴ It does not make sense. You are digging your own grave.

And I thought I left this patriotic shit behind in America?

How I wish that were true.

<sub>1. Ironic isn’t it?
2. JAFA, the Hutt, the South Island.
3. Midwest, Texans, New York City.
4. In business, doesn’t complaining give the smart entrepenuer a competitive advantage? Why isn’t this principle applied?</sub>