I woke up this morning and my bedroom was on fire! I thought, “Fuck!” What did that stupid bear say? Stop, drop and roll? Or is that for forest fires?
At six in the morning, my heater, which was on the floor, turned on and seconds later the voice of God boomed, “Let there be light!” Or fire, in this case. It was not good.
Ten minutes later I woke up, coughing, and through the haze I saw my pillow burning. I opened the windows and poured water on the fire.
I feel lucky. If I was religious, I would pray to God. If I was a scientist, I would thank my olfactory neurons on my epithelium for sending smoke signals to my brain. I’m neither, so I’ll thank dumb luck.
My flat mates saw my pillow in the morning. I told them what happened and said, “I’m sorry for almost killing you and burning the house down.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“But look at my pillow! I need a new one now.”
They said, “Why? It just ends up on the floor!”
Lesson learned.
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17 responses so far ↓
1 Philip // Apr 21, 2007 at 5:18 am
Shit, that’s scary!
It’s so upsetting having these idiotic heaters in NZ. What kind was it - the standard oil heater? LPG? How did it turn on (timer?)? Why did it start burning?
2 Jeff // Apr 21, 2007 at 4:32 pm
I know! But I need a heater, last week the thermometer in the living room said ten degrees. Ten. freaking. degrees. That must be against some world housing standard?
The heater had glowing orange bars (I don’t know why they’re legal, or even why I bought it - it looks menacing) and now it’s in the trash.
It was on an electric timer (which I thought was off, so I was even more surprised when I saw it glowing) and the funny thing is the day before, Vicky saw it and said they were dangerous and cause fires. Apparently they cause sparks from stuff that lands on the bars, like dust.
I even went to buy a new heater during lunch on Friday but I decided to wait instead. Stupid! Jeffrey!
3 Mom // Apr 23, 2007 at 7:05 am
Are you nuts!! I thought you were moving?
4 emily // Apr 23, 2007 at 7:53 am
Oh my god, Jeff. That’s so scary. I’m glad you’re alright.
I don’t trust those things. I had to use one for a heating incident this past winter for a few days, and it made me nervous.
Also, one time when I lived with you, I ate some cheddar salsa and then Charlie licked the bowl, then we went to bed, with the heat on in the house and the space heater on, and we both woke up later on that night and threw up. True story.
5 Jeff // Apr 23, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Mom, yes, that’s a sore point. Still looking. Very cold.
Emily you’re so funny!
Remember when Charles squeezed into the central heating ducts? Or remember how if you placed your hand near his face his eye started squinting and shaking like the eye of our Chinese art history teacher?
6 emily // Apr 24, 2007 at 8:59 am
I hated that Chinese art class. I tried to love it, but everything meant something else, and I’m a pretty literal person, so I was just confused all the time.
7 Jeff // Apr 24, 2007 at 5:26 pm
I skipped it more than I attended. I only remember her blinking eye, her long gray hair and how she said “ching” and “chang” a lot.
8 Chris // Apr 25, 2007 at 2:59 pm
Jeff, you make it sound like our house is inadequate and I resent that very much.
A house is only a small part of staying warm, yet this external factor appears to be the sole reason for your coldness.
There are also numerous (safe) heaters you could use, although having heat applied to you is not nearly as good as warming up from the inside via insulated clothing or targeted exercise.
I’m really fired up ‘cos foreigners keep dissing a perfectly good warm kiwi house.
At 21+ degrees celcius, the house is often warmer than the outside temperature in summer, it is equal to the recommended office room temperature and it is warmer and drier than most other houses in New Zealand.
9 Jeff // Apr 25, 2007 at 10:20 pm
we saw leaves go to glory,
then almost migratory
go part way down the lane,
and then to end the story
get beaten down and pasted
in one wild day of rain.
we heard “tis over” roaring.
a year of leaves was wasted
oh, we make a boast of storing,
or saving and of keeping
but only by ignoring
the waste of moments sleeping,
the waste of pleasure weeping,
by denying and ignoring
the waste of nations warring.
- by Robert Frost
10 Chris // Apr 28, 2007 at 9:41 pm
scorpion bite
the start of November holds my birthday
pages turn, each peach so raw
pitter patter
futile grey matter
but fun’s the word before eyes draw
then we inch closer to Santa
gluttons, we gnaw
we boast, we save,
but we forget the brave
in the dust of the world’s Great War
we lie on the beach and glance at the sand
pour us a pint and find us a hoar
scorpion scatter
baste in batter
stay right where you are we always want more
circles give birth to faces and crosses
and people from places all needy and poor
so slap us, so save us,
our names please engrave us
blood covered hands and diamonds of ore
- by Chris Boxall
Wellington, 2007, (c)
11 Niamh // Apr 29, 2007 at 9:07 am
Chris i’m afraid I will have to agree with jeff on the cold house thing… when i moved in i was so cold i was sick for 3 weeks. The house is freezing. Have you kiwis not heard of insulation?!!
12 Jeff // Apr 29, 2007 at 1:50 pm
It was so cold this morning! As the temperature drops I visit TradeMe more and more hoping to find a property… no luck yet. And yesterday my car stopped working. I’ve having bad luck this week.
13 Chris // Apr 29, 2007 at 3:04 pm
Hi Niamh - what is insulation?
The house is heaps warmer than when you were here - yesterday was a freezing day but inside it was 20 degrees thanks to all our flash new heaters!
Jeff most houses are like ours, it’s just the way they are - perhaps appartments will be warmer or new houses with all the nifty features?
14 Jeff // Apr 29, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Hmm, nifty features is an interesting point of view. I think apartments will be warmer, or houses that were built in the last twenty years (after the fall of socialist New Zealand). My house in Mount Victoria was warmer.
15 Chris // Apr 29, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Did you like my poem?
16 Helen // Apr 30, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Loved the poem Chris.
I was never that cold in Hobson, bless it. However I moved to the warm North Island from some where closer to the ice berg region … with a few layers of internal insulation (commonly known as FAT).
Housing insulation is a fantastic thing, however in 1900 they were a hardier bunch with a little less technology. Pink Batts were a twinkle in the eye of James Hardy (or who ever invented them).
Glad you didn’t ‘toast your marshmallows’ Jeff! Wowch!!
17 Jeff // Apr 30, 2007 at 4:43 pm
I enjoyed the poem too
Thanks Helen! I miss smores but I had no idea how far I’d go in my sleep… I thought I kicked my pyro habits ages ago…
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